Hey, I’m not talking about the current South Sudanese Civil War. I’m asking a real life question. A few weeks ago, I posted about my life. It is the life I now live. I have made a very wrong choice in getting married to the wrong person. God spoke through friends and relatives, but I could not listen. My wife’s own brothers and a sister advised me not to get married to her. They gave me their own good reasons for this. I could not listen to any but to my own feelings – Lust?
Now, married more than 5 years ago, things began to change. Life is becoming harder and harder. My wife and kids (2) could not stay where I work. The school could not allow them to stay because of my wife’s behaviors. Everyone wonders how I got hooked up in such a relationship. The amazing thing about this is that I also wonder how it all happened. I just do no know why I got there. Was it lust? I mean, sexual lust? I cannot conclude as such. There is something more unique behind my desire and sexual drive.
Now, there is a war going on. I have seen the problem. I have heard it by selling it. I have believed it after seeing it myself. I cannot describe it all here in this post. It is seriously taking me down, down to the pit.
But the question is; who will win this war?
What makes the situation worst is my own thinking backed up by what others say about my situation. Who can I listen to? Is it my own mind, others ideas, or the Bible? Who can I blame apart from my own self? I believe God spoke before things went out of hand. I just failed to obey him. Steve, Art, Joshua, Mary (Sister in-law), Elijah, our principal and others advised me not to get married to Elizabeth. I did not listen.
All of this is now passed. It is past! I cannot change it as I cannot bring back the day of yesterday, or even an hour! It is a gone story, yet active in my life. My mind sees this, while I do the opposite. My mind is comforted by the Word of God daily. I’m told to carry my cross and no complaining. I was told by God’s word to keep looking to Jesus. But, that is only what I know. Whenever I’m with my wife, I could not stop getting angry. I get annoyed because things do not work as expected. We all have our expectations, either from us individually, or from our cultures and traditions.
Who will win?
Will God’s Word win this war for me? Will I ever get the peace of mind I deadly need? Will I give up and divorce as all friends including pastors think is the best solution? I don’t really want to divorce anyone. It is against what I teach and preach. So, who will win this great test? My mind, friends and Satan suggest the best way. Their best way and solution to this pain is to divorce and re-marry. My mind and the Word of God sees the opposite. It is my own fault, not my wife’s. I knew who she was before getting into this bond of love and relationship. Who can I complain to? Not to God, neither to my in-laws or friends, nor to my wife. I complain to myself, and this is my enemy. Myself is my worst enemy ever. I condemn my own action. Yet, I could not change the past, and the worst thing is, I cannot bear it without complaining!
I do not want a divorce. I do not want this life. I cannot change my wife’s way of life (I don’t want even to expose her here). So what can I do? I do not know what to do.
But, in all this, there is hope. I do not know what will happen for sure. Yet, I’m not left hopeless. I know something will happen. If it is God’s perfect will for me to get married to Eliza as I did, then let his will be done. Let him make a way. Let his ways be my ways. Not only for comfort but for teaching me so that I also teach others who are having the same problem. If the situation defeats me, how can I help those in the same situation either now or in the future?
Oh, God Jehovah, help your dear servant. Help me oh God. But, not my will. Your will be done!